…aka, They Interrupted My Snarkfest to Give Out Some Stoopid Ol’ Moovee Awards!
You know what? I really didn’t have a clue what movies were nominated. I DID know that I hadn’t seen a single one. I don’t LIKE going to movie theaters. First of all, it’s too dark to read a book, but the light from my PDA seems to annoy other people. *sniff* Whatever.
So, I get bored and eat a barrel o’ popcorn which I then wash down with a small (i.e. freakin gallon sized) cup o’ Coke. After which, the ebil theater owners refuse… REFUSE… to pause the movie so I can answer the call o’ nature. But they are not done with me yet, oh no— I sit there doing the pee-pee-foot-wiggle (and hoping I don’t sneeze) clear through the end of the closing credit scroll because the equally ebil movie people now entice us to read the damn things by placing little extras at the end. By the time THOSE are over, I’m dashing (okay waddling really, really fast) out the door headed to the bathroom. And woe to anyone who gets in my way because they’ll find themselves body slammed against the wall by my mighty Mom Hips. And btw, you ARE aware, aren’t you, that the handicap symbol on the stall merely means handicapped ACCESSIBLE, not handicapped ONLY? (Note that all nasty emails are automatically directed to SYBIL’s email account)
Yeah, yeah, so why do I bother to watch the Oscars? Simple… for me, it’s all about the pre-show. More specifically, The Red Carpet as spectator sport.
Now, before someone gets all righteous and indignant on the poor, defenseless celebrities’ behalf, I’ll just admit right up front that I am well aware that most of those gowns would be too tight to fit over my left leg. But, dammit, cattiness is fun, and since my oldest Darling Daughter (DD) and I watch the pre-shows together, I view it as a chance to advance her opinionated-bitch-in-training status. Besides, she actually LOVES watching movies and fills me in on who is who. Can’t tell the players without a scorecard, you know.
So without further ado, let the MEOWS begin!
Cameron Diaz:
DD: EEEWWWW, that looks AWFUL! Why would she wear that!
ME: OH GOOD LORD! NO, just… no.
Moviefone: on “Worst of…” list
E! Online: Almost evenly divided between Glam: 55.6%, Sham: 44.4%
People Magazine: on “Best of…” list; oddly enough, People doesn’t even HAVE a “Worst of…” list yet
Go Fug Yourself: “it’s a bedsheet, and — it must be said — possibly a very low thread-count bedsheet she bought from Target because her old linens smelled like Justin and so she had to burn them.”
Marion Cotillard: (Who?! She won the Best Actress Oscar. :shrug:)
DD: Oh, I really LIKE that!
ME: GAK! Mermaid dress + fish scales = Halloween costume
Moviefone: on “Worst of…” list
E! Online: Glam: 73.9%
People: on “Best of…” list
Go Fug Yourself: “it looks like what might happen if fish scales and lace mated… I think I might sort of….like it.”
Tilda Swinton:
DD: WHOA!
ME: AAAHHHH! I get that you’re… uh… different and see no need to wear make-up, but lady dude whatever, even David Bowie wore makeup and a little powder couldn’t hurt cuz you’re freakin’ blinding me with the glare off your face while you’re accepting your award for Best Supporting Actress!
Moviefone: on “Worst of…” list
E! Online: not mentioned (ooh, SLAMMED by default!)
People: not mentioned (maybe they’re finalizing their “Worst of…” list)
Go Fug Yourself: “but it’s….Tilda Swinton. This is totally what she wears, like, grocery shopping. I can’t totally ding it for her.”
Kristin Cheboweth:
DD: uh… no.
ME: Just stick a feather on her head and she’d be a Wild West saloon floozy.
Moviefone: on “Best of…” list
E! Online: Not mentioned
People: on “Best of…: list
Go Fug Yourself: not mentioned… yet
Renee Zellweger:
DD: oooh, I can’t stand to even LOOK at her
ME: Silver and Bones, Silver and Bones; wasn’t that a Burl Ives Christmas Carol?
Moviefone: on “Best of…” list
E! Online: Glam 49.5%, Slam 50.5%
People: On “Best of…” list
Go Fug Yourself: “Oh, look, it’s Renee Zzzzzzz……”
Those were the big losers at my house, except for Sara Larson, George Clooney’s date. :shudders: But she gets extra points for wearing George on her arm. Really, though, George knows people. You’d think he coulda scored her a comp instead of forcing her to cut up her Grandma’s sofa to make her own dress.
Most of the rest of the beotches were just “meh”, “okay”, “nice”, or “not bad”. I wish I could find a scoopable pic of Viggo Mortensen for you, though. Sad… really, really sad, probably a bit horrifying, really. Don’t these people know I’ve been scouting pictures for this post all freakin’ day and they STILL don’t have them all published yet! Geesh!
The two big WINNERS at my house? Heidi Klum and Anne Hathaway. Beautiful, glamorous, show-stopping.
[Oh look, the Contest Duckie wrote this post… hmmmm…. I wonder if there’s any significance to that? And, is that a blue “Contest” tag I spy down there? The plot thickens!]
Bev, you are cracking me up!!!
I like the red dresses too–shows a bit of character, no?
Oh, that’s who Clooney’s date is! I knew you gals would have the answer!
Allison, here’s the scoop on Sara Larson. She was a contestant on Fear Factor (I THINK that’s the right show), but was working as a cocktail waitress in Vegas when George met her. Remember a few months ago when he got in a motorcycle crash with his girlfriend? That was Sara. People are saying they are in LURVE cuz he has never, ever walked the red carpet with a girlfriend before!
Azteclady, it was so odd how most of the dresses were either red or black. Red is SOOOO not a color I can carry off, though.
I’ve only been seeing pictures of the outfits in today’s news. And yes, an awful lot of red.
Tilda Swinton looked like she was wearing a glad bag! I always wonder who tells them that these things look good! If I were her I’d fire my stylist and if she chose this herself, she needs to get a stylist.
What was with Daniel Day Lewis’s wife dress??? Bleck.
And why is everyone raving about Jessica Alba? She hasn’t been in a hit movie since…. HEH
I missed the red carpet 🙁 – but I did see some of the Oscars red carpet pictures on the BBC – I was a big fan of the red dresses too. I had the same reaction to Marion Cotillard’s as GFY – because, weird+hunh – but she looks so very good in it!
I don’t like Heidi Klum’s dress, it doesn’t go with her colouring. She needs cold colours and is wearing this … this drop of blood. But then, I also can’t stomach her voice, her German makes my toe nails roll up. Now Anne Hathaway I adore, those Bambi eyes, and the tomato red goes wonderfully with her autumn colouring. I am an Anne Hathaway fan girrrl… (my guilty pleasure is to watch re-runs of The Princess Diaries LOL)
Katie, I have to agree with you on Heidi’s dress. I absolutely don’t like it. By the way, good that I am writing and not talking or Katie’s toe nails would roll up even more. *grins*
On Tilda Swinton–did you see this: TWOP loves the Oscars.
The whole thing is pretty funny, actually.
I agree with Katie and Danny – there was some other actress wearing a red dress that I loved. It was on the BBC pictures… and now I can’t find it. 😛 I didn’t have time to talk about it/look for it because I posted before work. Actually, I was late to work because I was reading the Oscars posts here. O:D
I liked the pictures of Jennifer Garner – and I think it’s the shawl/hood thing that really makes me dislike Heidi’s dress. In other pictures it looks like the dress is about to creep up and eat her.=O
What happened to Renee’s hair? Looks like somebody butchered it. I thought Penelope Cruz looked beautiful. Of course George was the best dressed man at the Oscars.
I sort of agree about Heidi’s collar. On nearly anyone else, I think that dress would be universally panned, but I thought she pulled it off because she has the physique, personality, and image to do so. So as an individual piece, no I didn’t like the collar, but as part of the overall effect, it was striking.
Jessica Alba– pretty gown, but then she ruined it with the purple feather duster attached to her right boob. I mean she’s pregnant and already looking and feeling bulky, so why add something that adds even MORE heft to the dress? She looked like she couldn’t breathe.
JSL, you talking about Katherine Heigl? She had a one shoulder red dress and her hair like Marilyn Monroe. But she had the weirdest make-up on. It looked like someone took her powder blush/bronzer brush and just plopped it randomly on her face.
Jane, I don’t agree about Cruz’s gown. I think there was just too much going on with it. Yes, she looked beautiful but there was just too much frou-frou on that dress.
But Renee’s hair? GAK! Renee’s eyes? GAK! Renee’s makeup? GAK! Renee’s shoulders? GAK! Renee’s boney boy hips? GAK! Renee? GAKGAKGAK!
Did anyone see that safron (orangey yellowish gold) gown Kelly Preston wore? Beautiful gown but wrong color for her. The color was so striking that you didn’t even notice who was wearing it. Classic example of the gown wearing the woman instead of the woman wearing the gown. I think a woman with stronger coloring could have pulled it off, but she was just too beige to wear it.
Have you checked out Project Rungay? No, I am not misprinting the name! They are planning to dish the Oscars frocks on their other blog. I love their comments!
My favorite for the 50+ set was Helen Miren’s dress. I loved the red of the dress and the sleeves looked ultra glam under the spotlights. I agree with your two best dressed choices. OMG who dressed Ms. Tilda? I heard one show call it a “hefty bag” look and I agree. With the red hair, it was a fashion don’t.
Someone should have taken Ms. Tilda and Daniel Day Lewis by the hand and transformed them. FUGLY babies…or should I say duckies!! I also thought that Ellen Page looked WAY beyond her years in that black dress. yuck, mega yuck
Project Rungay is great! They’re Oscar dress round-up has got to be worth checking out.