I’ve been incognito of late. I haven’t talked to you good folks in a while so I crawled out of my hole to have a whine and whinge, and to see how many of you are in the same situation. It’s the start of a new year – a year I know will have a lot of changes for me and my family. I’m just waiting to see what will be the next shoe dropped…
The holidays were joyous mayhem – a whirlwind of family, cooking, cleaning, visiting, more cooking, more cleaning, more family. Just insane fun. Now January is painfully slow in comparison. So as I take stock, it occurs to me that the Grateful Dead had it right in their song “Truckin’” (video provided below for your enjoyment)…
Sometimes the lights all shining on me
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me
What a long strange trip it’s been
My life of late has certainly been a long, strange trip. Despite my perennially creative counting, I’m still getting older. Of course, this means my daughter and my parents are also getting older. Relentless aging has introduced so many complications into what was once such a simple life that my mind is regularly boggled. Not that it takes a lot to boggle this old girl, but, still, consider me boggled.
For example, I have a regular sense of outrage that my body is rebelling. I used to prize my “cast iron stomach” that is now made of easily dented tin, metaphorically speaking. And my eyes! Oh my goodness, my eyes. I’m convinced signs and menus are being made in smaller type than before.
My daughter is a different story. I made the mistake the other day of watching a video of her when she was a baby. I could just eat her up. She was so small, and sweet, and so very pink. She was like a strawberry confection – red hair, ivory skin, and always, always dressed in pink.
Today? Today she’s a pre-teen who has begun to notice boys and frequently thinks her mom is weird. She has occasional flashes of her younger self – I cherish those times when she seems like “my little pink girl” again. She also has regular bouts of some other entity that just makes me want to shake my mom and say “how did you put up with me?!?” Because, as you could guess and to my horror, my daughter is JUST LIKE ME. Argh!
Then there’s my parents. My folks have been married for 50 years. After college, I left and did my own thing, occasionally living at home, but mostly on my own. I moved close to home about 8 years ago and have gotten to know my parents. I have come to realize that they’re not only the people who sired me, but they’re my friends as well. And they’re aging.
My dad has lived with a significant illness since March 2000. The doctors told us to prepare to lose him in two to five years, or less. As you can tell, he’s lasted much longer than that mostly due to the tremendous care of my mom. She nurses and cares for my dad, oversees his meds, argues with doctors for the best care, and generally holds him together. She’s become an expert on all aspects of his care.
Now Dad is getting more frail. He’s not bouncing back from mild illness as he once did. His mind is starting to falter much like his mom did just scant months before she died.
I also noticed the other day how much my mom has aged in the last ten years, and especially in the last month. This has taken such a toll on her. She was once the very pampered wife of a hale and hardy man who did very nearly anything she asked. The overnight adjustment to a diametrically opposed role has been hard on her. Now that Dad is getting worse, I’m equally worried about Mom.
This all came on the heels of my being laid off last September from a job I’d had for 13 years. Admittedly it was a job that I had come to hate, but still… I want to use a less polemic word than “hate” but I really had come to dread each day for so many reasons.
Keep in mind I’ve done nothing but work full time for almost 30 years. I’ve never been more than a week out of a job in my life. Not working – not going to work each day – has been very odd. I have some severance that will last me another few weeks and I really will start seriously looking for a job. Soon. Meanwhile, I’ll continue to get to know myself. I’m even going to go back to school. We’ll see what the future brings.
So all this to say aging sucks. It has its high spots – watching my daughter grow into a wonderful young woman – and its low spots – watching my parents age. But as Jim Morrison said, no one here gets out alive. It’s up to us to make the best of it we can. I think it was Chuck Swindoll or Lou Holtz who said something to the effect that our attitude in life is 10% what happens and 90% how we react to it. Words to live by.
I can sympathize, empathize and totally hear your angst! My Mom and Dad had 52 years, 7 months and 11 days together before my Father passed away this last June 2009 on Father’s Day.
He to had been the strong, hearty main stay of my Mother’s life up until Congestive Heart Failure and Diabetes started to knock him down in 1988. All my life had been my Dad’s shadow, an only child and a daughter to boot so he was my big strong Hero for most of my lifetime. 12 months ago all that changed when Dementia set it’s ugly claws in on top of all the physical ailments the big strong hero became a bewildered and sometimes frightened old man.
The hardest thing in life is not to have a child and raise it, but to be a child who has to become a care giver of ones dying parent. My father lived also many years more than what the doctors had given him, my wonderful sweet Mom is the reason also. At the sacrifice for years of her own health and rest she cared for Dad, the last 3 years in myself and my husband’s home. The good memories are finally coming without so many tears, the pictures and videos now bringing honest fond smiles. The pain of losing a parent does not go away, however the thought of them being at peace goes a long way towards helping to heal..
Hang in there and know that you are not alone and good luck with the future, sometimes forced change brings us to grips with what is truly precious. Our families and friends who love us and whom we love in return, while we have the chance to cherish them on earth make the most of it!!!
I hear you. I lost my father a while back. He made the millennium – just. Mum gets more frail every day, but still walks and walks and gardens. She was supposed to have died at birth, she weighed around a pound and was ‘smaller than a milk bottle.’ But here she is, nearing 80 and still with us.
I’ve had arthritis most of my life and finally it’s starting to get its own back. It started with pregnancy and just kept encroaching. I just have to pace myself a bit better (some hope!) But on the other hand, my chronic travel sickness has all but gone and I can travel without spending a couple of days resting either end of the trip. No, at the beginning, but the rest at the end of the trip is because I’ve worn myself out having a good time! I don’t do beaches, prefer cities and museums and shops, and I’m looking forward no end to Chicago in April (I’m going there before flying on to Romantic Times).
Plus ca change, plus la meme chose.
Great post. Although I don’t have kids, I notice myself aging more in relation to kids than anything else. (I work with kids.) It’s amazing to me when they don’t know a song I know, or they call me old, or they use words I never use. I’m also starting to get pains in my hands, which freaks me out because I’m a writer, and I have to type every day for hours at a time. But I remind myself that it will be manageable. And it’s part of getting old.
But, like you said, I sort of live every day waiting for the other shoe to drop…
Thanks for the post.
Jackie – you’re so right. And I’m convinced that the ONLY reason there are so many of us on this planet is because we’re supposed to help each other. Family can take many forms – blood relations or just choice.
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Lynne – getting older just bites. I love the wisdom that has come with age. But I’m not entirely sure it’s worth the price. I mean, c’mon!
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Rebecca – What particularly distresses me is when I find a guy attractive and discover I’m old enough to be his mother. Argh!
I’m a hospice nurse, so as you can imagine, my perspective is a bit odd. Yes, aging sucks and no, it doesn’t. Makes no sense, I know. Aging to the point where you are weak and ill and infirm and cannot care for yourself does indeed, suck. But, if we live long enough, there is no alternative. It ain’t all bad. Love survives. I know how you feel about watching video of your daughter when she was young. It’s so poignant, it hurts, deep in your chest. The trick, though trite, is to live each day as though it is your last, do not look too far ahead or too far behind, and a little denial goes a long way. Plus, keep yourself active. Eat healthy stuff, imbibing occasional gobs of good quality chocolate, don’t smoke, exercise regularly (use it or lose it) and keep your weight down, drink in moderation…and know that in the end, everything will be okay.
I’m sorry about your parents. I’ll be getting there in a few years. Feel free to email me off line if you ever want to talk.
Thanks Julia. I love this community.
This post really struck a cord with me. We had a health scare with my grandfather earlier in the week and it really made me see how much he and my grandmother have aged. I swear I still see them in my head as the young, vibrant people who I thought were old when I was young. Now…well, it’s hard sometimes.
My daughter is a teenager now. A TEENAGER. I have no idea how this happened, but Lord am I struggling with it. I look at her now and I think, “WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BABY!?!?”. She has books and a butt and boys and teen drama and…it’s frustrating.
So I’m with ya, girl. It’s hard getting older and watching those we love get older.
But hey, at least we still have each other.
*hugs*
(((Gwen)))
(If it doesn’t offend, I would like to add you and your family to my prayers)
A’lady – It most definitely does not offend. Thanks.