If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you’ve probably already met Missy. Missy is the girl I used to be, curled up on my little bed with a Harlequin or Johanna Lindsey (and sometimes hiding in the closet at midnight with the light on, because she was supposed to be sleeping, but oh god she NEEDED to know if the arrogant businessman with his arrogant nose and overbearing sexuality married the virgin secretary who loved him! And if there were thighs rubbing together in an erotic rhythm, and peaked sensitive breasts … IT WAS THE BEST BOOK EVER!!!)
MELJEAN: So, Missy … you’re here to offer some advice to authors.
MISSY: Yeppers.
MELJEAN: Because 10-year-olds with two years of romance reading under their Care Bears belts have something worthwhile to say.
MISSY: Yep! (Oh, but it’s a Strawberry Shortcake belt today. It goes with my pink pants.)
MELJEAN: Ah, a fashion maven AND an advice columnist. This should be effing great. So what’s your first bit of advice?
MISSY: Always have sex in your books.
MELJEAN: You’re ten years old, kid. Every person reading this just shuddered in horror.
MISSY: Did you?
MELJEAN: No, but I know I turned out okay. A bit on the OMG SQUEE fangirl wacky side, but still … pretty normal. But that’s not the point.
MISSY: What is? How else should I learn about sex? By doing it?
MELJEAN: *headdesk* It doesn’t have to be an either/or thing. Can we just pretend, for a second, that you didn’t sneak half of those books just because you were hoping for some nookie?
MISSY: Alright.
MELJEAN: And I’m inclined to agree with you — not that a book has to have sex, but that I prefer to read–
MISSY: And the heroines should be virgins. And naïve, so that the experienced hero can show them the true meaning of love and passion and all that stuff, and that an orgasm equals true love. And if they’re widows, they can’t really have loved their first husband. And it’s best if the first husband couldn’t have sex with them … and maybe beat them, so that I feel really bad for them and the arrogant misogynist hero seems that much better in comparison.
MELJEAN: *gag*
MISSY: What? What?
MELJEAN: I’d forgotten what a twit I was. Virgins are okay, as long as there’s a reason for it. Anyway, that’s not the point: your advice is. So, have sex. But not too much sex.
MISSY: Oh no! Have lots and lots and lots and lots.
MELJEAN: There is such a thing as too much.
MISSY: No, there’s not.
MELJEAN: Y–
MISSY: Shut up!!
MELJEAN: …
MISSY: Okay, Missy’s Advice #2: Have lots of explosions.
MELJEAN: Of the, um, seminal kind?
MISSY: That’s dirty! Why are you messing up my advice thing with your dirty talk?
MELJEAN: You were the one saying you wanted a lot of sex!
MISSY: You’re dirty! God, I can’t believe I grow up to be you! *sobs*
MELJEAN: Aw. There there. Explosions, huh? I do like explosions, although I can’t remember many of them in the Harlequin romances I read.
MISSY: No, that’s why I want them. And lots of fighting.
MELJEAN: Because nothing shows how manly a hero is better than his planting his fist in someone’s face?
MISSY: Exactly!! And I also like it when heroes get beat up by the heroine’s brothers who’ve already had their books, so that I can be certain that even though they’re married, they’re still manly! And I also want evil villains.
MELJEAN: Like Cobra Commander?
MISSY: Yes! Or Skeletor! The villains should always be disfigured and have an evil laugh so that we know who they are. Oh, and they 
should kill their henchmen and torture puppies.
MELJEAN: Yeah, because god forbid anyone has to figure out who the bad guys are. Or the good guys.
MISSY: Right! I like it simple. But with lots of explosions.
MELJEAN: I don’t have any explosions in my book.
MISSY: I hate you.
MELJEAN: Don’t worry, sweetie, it gets worse. I don’t have any virgins, either.
MISSY: *sobs, and with her heart broken, moves on to the next bit of advice* Number Three: It should be fast paced.
MELJEAN: … are you digging at me?
MISSY: What? What?
MELJEAN: … I hate you. I’m getting better! Feedback has helped a lot!
MISSY: Oh, so book number two is shorter? Faster paced? Less dialogue?
MELJEAN: …. *sobs* But I’m getting better!
MISSY: You loser. On to Missy’s Advice #4: The heroine should be sweet and kind. Like me.
MELJEAN: *laughs hysterically*
MISSY: Stop that! You don’t know anything! I want to imagine myself as the heroine so that I can pretend that someone rich and handsome will sweep me off my feet and fall madly in love with my virginal body!
MELJEAN: Oh, he’s handsome … but not rich. Hmm, I think I have some advice for authors, too: marry well.
MISSY: That’s disgusting! You should love him for who he is, not his bank account!
MELJEAN: I do. Believe me, my bank account says that I do…and that he must really love me, too. Anyway, when’s the last time you read a Harlequin Presents where the guy was poor?
MISSY: That’s because he’s always ruthless and arrogant and smart and works hard! You shut up!
MELJEAN: … okay, and to be fair, it’s also part of the Presents line: the powerful and arrogant and rich hero. God, and they’re such a guilty pleasure. I love all of them … oh, crap, did I just say that out loud?
MISSY: Hahaha! Yes! And the book should have horses, too. At least one horse. I love horses.
MELJEAN: You know, it suddenly occurs to me why I read so many historicals. You’ve ruined me, Missy. Ruined me like a fresh young virgin compromised by the profligate nobleman rake in a Regency library with a closed door.
MISSY: I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’m sure it’s dirty.
MELJEAN: Probably. Okay, so what’s Number Five?
MISSY: Authors should write something that I want to read.
MELJEAN: So I should write what I want to read.
MISSY: Yes! … Wait! no–
MELJEAN: Ha, you big fat loser! Too late. And that’s advice I can actually agree with, because that energy and excitement comes through the writing. Write what you love. Read what you love. Neither one is easy, writing that book or finding that book … but it’s worth it.
MISSY: And the world will be a better place.
MELJEAN: Yep. For you. And me.
MISSY: Just wait … and seeeeeee!
MELJEAN: … you are not going to get me singing.
MISSY: Dammit.
MELJEAN: I’m so telling Mom that you just said a dirty word.
MISSY: *sob*
….ah, and my day isn’t over until I make my inner child cry.
How have you changed as a romance reader? Is there anything that you used to love that gets on your nerves now? How long have you been reading?
I think I am going to have meljean write me posts every day. This. Is. The. Funny.
I started reading romances when I was 13. Most of them were historical romances. Now, I read paranormal, contemps, romantic suspense, fantasy, and sci-fi.
I’ve been reading Romance books for over 30 years started with Barbara Cartland. I still have some of them, though i rarely read them anymore I have to be in a very virginal mood.LOL
Now days I want hot sex and more equal terms for the hero & heroine. And please they have to do more than kiss. Plus now days I adore paranormals menage etc. My taste are more Sophisticated
Meljean, you worry me. arguing with your 10 year old self. shudder. the bratlet is almost eight. please tell me i won’t be confiscating romances from her in two years. oh hell no. it’s not going to happen.
things i hate now that i used to love? well, i started reading romances in the 80s and there were a lot of the sweet innocent heroines who were the only thing that could bring meaning into the lives of cold men with cruel, sensual smiles. 😉
Son of A -!!! My girl is 10 right now. Do I have to hide all of my romance novels now? *asks MY inner child* Shit, I’m sooo screwed.
As for me, I started at about 9. I still remember taking my first romance novel to school and wowing my friends on the playground – between giggles – with the steamy scenes. Ahh, good times, good times.
As for what gets on my nerves now…well, pretty much everything I used to love. The sort of naive heroine? Been there. The rake hero who always knows best? Done that. The historicals with the trite plots and never ending virginity? Don’t want to do it again.
My daughter started reading them at eleven. Hide the books now, OK?
And I don’t have much else to say, except that I heart Missy. Totally dig these conversations. The Tender Rebel review was The Best Blog Entry Evah.
I guess that makes me a Missy fangirl,
Suisan
I read a little romance in my teens but wasn’t a serious reading. It wasn’t till much later in life that I got hooked. I started out only reading historicals and then moved on to contemporary and paranormal. I now change genres each time I start a new book.
I’m with Suisan – I heart Missy.
Course the only things we agree on are lot of sex and the odd horse.
Shut up. I didn’t mean it like that.
I was at the decrepit age of 18 when I read my first *real* romance book – sex and all. Before that I was reading those teen love stories. I was a late bloomer.
So, 18 years reading romance books. Yikes. Most of my tastes have changed but I think I always wanted dark heroes – not Alpha jerks or just plain assholes but heroes who had just lost their way. Being an Anne Stuart groupie pretty much says it all.
All in all, I’m very excited to read about Hugh and Lilith – I won at your blog so I’m waiting patiently although I’m starting to think I should buy the book so I support the books I want to read. Okay, that was way too deep for me this early in the morning.
Carry on.
CindyS
That Missy – she is a funny precosious little girl isn’t she? Love the conversation. And I’m not even sure I knew about sex at 10 – LMAO!
I’ve been reading romance I think all my life in one form or another. Even though there was no sex until later *g*. Tender sweet young heroines and perfect manly men heroes get on my nerves now. Give me flaws! I want flaws.
Heh, I think Missy and me (Missy and I? I always get confused by that) could have traded books back then. I liked all that, plus secret baby books. I luuuurved those, even used to go through the piles at the UBS and search them out. *gag*
LOL That was great! Years ago, when I was a teen, I kind of stuck with the harleQuin and Silhouette stuff as well as regencies. Through the years though my tastes have expnded to adding paranormal and fantasy as well. I love escaping into other worlds.
I started out my romance reading in my youth (that’d be about 35 years ago) with Barbara Cartland, too. I lurved her and tried to glom everything she wrote. I think my glucose levels would go off the charts if I tried to read her now. I do pick up a fair number of older romances, because there are some awfully good ones out there (Windflower, anyone?), but I avoid any contemporaries that were written in the ’80’s. I cringe when I read about the overbearing hero dominating the very thoughts and actions of the protected heroine. Just can’t go there anymore. I’m really looking forward to reading Demon Angel (won the book here – yay!) because it sounds like the h/h are very equally matched.
My first romance was a Barbara Cartland. My second was THE DARK MASTER by Charlotte Lamb (Harlequin Presents). I was 12. I cant quite remember my feelings when I was 12 but I still have a few Cartlands and Lambs that I still re-read every once in a while. I still love them.
Mortimer’s CAPTIVE LOVING had the Most. Passive. Heroine. Ever. (Well, maybe after the comatose heroine of Rosemary Rogers’ LOVING WICKED LIES anyway). Still loved the Mortimer. I probably have it somewhere on my bookshelves.
I started reading romances when I was eight and haven’t stopped yet. I used to think it was so romantic for the 36 year old man to fall in love and marry the 18 year old girl – now it feels just a little icky. I read the Barbara Cartland books of course, but what about the Lucy Walker books? I would read her books again and again. I loved reading about the strong “manly” Austrailan men and the semi- passive women who fell in love with them. Now, I love to read contemporary books with a good mystery involved or a well written fantasy novel. I really enjoyed the early Dark Hunter novels by Sherrilyn Kenyon (she will get better I am sure) and Nora Roberts’ 1990’s books were great.
I actually still like a lot of the stuff I read as a young’un. I was into the whole Elizabeth Peters/Barbara Michaels/ Victoria Holt /Mary Stewart romantic suspense thing, and it holds up alright. I recently had the opportunity to steal some of my old favorites when my mom moved. It’s been fun to revisit them. I loved “The Lightning that Lingers” by Sharon & Tom Curtis, and now I know that a lot of others do to. One of my favorite old categories turned out to be by Laura Leone, who I’ve heard some great things about recently. So even as a 15 y.o. stealling my mom’s books I had great taste. Kidding!
On the other hand, I almost never read romantic suspense anymore. I read a lot of paranormals, but I think that’s because it’s the closest thing to Gothics these days. Still like historicals, but read a lot fewer straight comtemporaries.
I … love … Barbara Cartland … too!!!!!!
Hee.
Missy, Harlequin Presents still deliver! Michelle Reid, Emma Darcy, Lynne Graham, Carol Martinelli, Miranda Lee. Like chocolates. Delicious.
Harley — I do still pick one up now and then when I need a quick read. They definitely are a guilty pleasure, and I shake my head over some of them … but in a fond, “man, I love this” way.
I love Presents. And explosions. And sex. Missy and I have so much in common!
I started reading Harlequin Presents and though I still enjoy them sometimes, I tend towards more variety in romance reading now…historical, urban fantasy, contemporary, etc. but not longer novels.
I love Missy. And have forgotten how much I love Lindsey. Regan and Nicholas and her brothers. LOL.
I love Missy. I really do.
explosions?!?! LMAO!!
Aww I remember those days, rainbow brite, care bears and trying to read a harlequin and understand what is being inserted where and how can that feel good!
I still can’t believe I was never caught reading Beatrice Small… back in the day she was fierce!
Missy, you and your Care Bear, Strawberry Shortcake, He-Man, Skeletor loving self are my hero! 😀
I think I read my first romance around the age of 13. I hate wimpy female characters, which is probably why I write about superheroes who can (literally) bench press 2,000 pounds.
I’m also tired of predictable, well-worn plots, like all the Regencies where the poor virgin must marry the rich guy in order to keep from being her lecherous cousin’s mistress. The writing has to be really, really good for me to get into a story with a predictable plot.