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mjIf you’re a regular reader of my blog, you’ve probably already met Missy. Missy is the girl I used to be, curled up on my little bed with a Harlequin or Johanna Lindsey (and sometimes hiding in the closet at midnight with the light on, because she was supposed to be sleeping, but oh god she NEEDED to know if the arrogant businessman with his arrogant nose and overbearing sexuality married the virgin secretary who loved him! And if there were thighs rubbing together in an erotic rhythm, and peaked sensitive breasts … IT WAS THE BEST BOOK EVER!!!)

MELJEAN: So, Missy … you’re here to offer some advice to authors.
MISSY: Yeppers.

MELJEAN: Because 10-year-olds with two years of romance reading under their Care Bears belts have something worthwhile to say.
MISSY: Yep! (Oh, but it’s a Strawberry Shortcake belt today. It goes with my pink pants.)

MELJEAN: Ah, a fashion maven AND an advice columnist. This should be effing great. So what’s your first bit of advice?
MISSY: Always have sex in your books.

MELJEAN: You’re ten years old, kid. Every person reading this just shuddered in horror.
MISSY: Did you?

squeeMELJEAN: No, but I know I turned out okay. A bit on the OMG SQUEE fangirl wacky side, but still … pretty normal. But that’s not the point.
MISSY: What is? How else should I learn about sex? By doing it?

MELJEAN: *headdesk* It doesn’t have to be an either/or thing. Can we just pretend, for a second, that you didn’t sneak half of those books just because you were hoping for some nookie?
MISSY: Alright.

MELJEAN: And I’m inclined to agree with you — not that a book has to have sex, but that I prefer to read–
MISSY: And the heroines should be virgins. And naïve, so that the experienced hero can show them the true meaning of love and passion and all that stuff, and that an orgasm equals true love. And if they’re widows, they can’t really have loved their first husband. And it’s best if the first husband couldn’t have sex with them … and maybe beat them, so that I feel really bad for them and the arrogant misogynist hero seems that much better in comparison.

MELJEAN: *gag*
MISSY: What? What?

MELJEAN: I’d forgotten what a twit I was. Virgins are okay, as long as there’s a reason for it. Anyway, that’s not the point: your advice is. So, have sex. But not too much sex.
MISSY: Oh no! Have lots and lots and lots and lots.

MELJEAN: There is such a thing as too much.
MISSY: No, there’s not.

MELJEAN: Y–
MISSY: Shut up!!

MELJEAN: …
MISSY: Okay, Missy’s Advice #2: Have lots of explosions.

MELJEAN: Of the, um, seminal kind?
MISSY: That’s dirty! Why are you messing up my advice thing with your dirty talk?

MELJEAN: You were the one saying you wanted a lot of sex!
MISSY: You’re dirty! God, I can’t believe I grow up to be you! *sobs*

MELJEAN: Aw. There there. Explosions, huh? I do like explosions, although I can’t remember many of them in the Harlequin romances I read.
MISSY: No, that’s why I want them. And lots of fighting.

MELJEAN: Because nothing shows how manly a hero is better than his planting his fist in someone’s face?
MISSY: Exactly!! And I also like it when heroes get beat up by the heroine’s brothers who’ve already had their books, so that I can be certain that even though they’re married, they’re still manly! And I also want evil villains.

MELJEAN: Like Cobra Commander?
MISSY: Yes! Or Skeletor! The villains should always be disfigured and have an evil laugh so that we know who they are. Oh, and they should kill their henchmen and torture puppies.

MELJEAN: Yeah, because god forbid anyone has to figure out who the bad guys are. Or the good guys.
MISSY: Right! I like it simple. But with lots of explosions.

MELJEAN: I don’t have any explosions in my book.
MISSY: I hate you.

MELJEAN: Don’t worry, sweetie, it gets worse. I don’t have any virgins, either.
MISSY: *sobs, and with her heart broken, moves on to the next bit of advice* Number Three: It should be fast paced.

MELJEAN: … are you digging at me?
MISSY: What? What?

MELJEAN: … I hate you. I’m getting better! Feedback has helped a lot!
MISSY: Oh, so book number two is shorter? Faster paced? Less dialogue?

MELJEAN: …. *sobs* But I’m getting better!
MISSY: You loser. On to Missy’s Advice #4: The heroine should be sweet and kind. Like me.

MELJEAN: *laughs hysterically*
MISSY: Stop that! You don’t know anything! I want to imagine myself as the heroine so that I can pretend that someone rich and handsome will sweep me off my feet and fall madly in love with my virginal body!

MELJEAN: Oh, he’s handsome … but not rich. Hmm, I think I have some advice for authors, too: marry well.
MISSY: That’s disgusting! You should love him for who he is, not his bank account!

MELJEAN: I do. Believe me, my bank account says that I do…and that he must really love me, too. Anyway, when’s the last time you read a Harlequin Presents where the guy was poor?
MISSY: That’s because he’s always ruthless and arrogant and smart and works hard! You shut up!

MELJEAN: … okay, and to be fair, it’s also part of the Presents line: the powerful and arrogant and rich hero. God, and they’re such a guilty pleasure. I love all of them … oh, crap, did I just say that out loud?
MISSY: Hahaha! Yes! And the book should have horses, too. At least one horse. I love horses.

MELJEAN: You know, it suddenly occurs to me why I read so many historicals. You’ve ruined me, Missy. Ruined me like a fresh young virgin compromised by the profligate nobleman rake in a Regency library with a closed door.
MISSY: I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’m sure it’s dirty.

MELJEAN: Probably. Okay, so what’s Number Five?
MISSY: Authors should write something that I want to read.

MELJEAN: So I should write what I want to read.
MISSY: Yes! … Wait! no–

MELJEAN: Ha, you big fat loser! Too late. And that’s advice I can actually agree with, because that energy and excitement comes through the writing. Write what you love. Read what you love. Neither one is easy, writing that book or finding that book … but it’s worth it.
MISSY: And the world will be a better place.

MELJEAN: Yep. For you. And me.
MISSY: Just wait … and seeeeeee!

MELJEAN: … you are not going to get me singing.
MISSY: Dammit.

MELJEAN: I’m so telling Mom that you just said a dirty word.
oh_no.JPGMISSY: *sob*

….ah, and my day isn’t over until I make my inner child cry.

How have you changed as a romance reader? Is there anything that you used to love that gets on your nerves now? How long have you been reading?