My Most Notorious Halloween Costume (a.k.a. How Not to Win the Guy)
by Stephanie Rowe
It all started with a guy.
Doesn’t it always?
His name was Brad, and he was hot. Dark hair, dark eyes, buff body of an ice hockey player, incredibly smart, very funny, and very nice. And we’d been flirting. Oh, yes, I had caught his eye. Not his heart, not his hand and certainly not his lips, but I was in the ballgame, and I needed to close the deal, because I wasn’t the only girl hunting him, and the others had the bigger breasts, hair that was actually pretty, and all sorts of other attributes I didn’t have.
But I had something they didn’t. I was fun. I knew how to hang with the guys. I knew how to be the life of the party, and I was going to make it pay off.
So… here comes Halloween…. a party… I was invited… Brad was invited… it was *my* moment and I was going to make the best play I had and cross my fingers. We were in college, so what theme do you think the party had? That’s right! Toga party, baby!!!!
It was Maine. It was cold. Most people were putting togas on over their LL Bean boots and fleece jackets.
But how do you snare a guy when you’re wearing a sheet over a parka? There’s so nothing sexy about that. So, my two best friends and I decided we would brave the elements in pursuit of true love (is there any grander purpose in life??) and we would don bikini tops under the toga, so that no straps would be showing, just a sexy, bare shoulder and a collar bone just begging to be kissed. Brilliant idea, I say, brilliant!
So, we all donned the tube top style bikinis (in my wizened old age, I have no recollection of where we managed to *find* bikinis in Maine in October, but I will just attribute it to creative genius and move on), artfully tied and retied and retied our damn sheets until they stayed on and hid the bikini tops. We looked fantastic. Total goddess, for certain. Brad would fall to his knees and beg for me to make him mine. Ecstatic with the prospects for the evening, we hooked elbows, threw open that front door and braved the sub-zero Maine weather to hustle to the toga party.
It was a brilliant night. I worked the party, I flirted, I danced, I laughed, got plenty of attention from the boys, but none from Brad. Just really weird looks and a healthy dose of “stay the hell away” vibe. What was up with that? By the end of the night, I found my friends to get them to leave, heartily disappointed in my failures as a woman and a female. Was it my breath? My shampoo? Had I forgotten to shave my armpits? Devastated, I found my friends and begged to go home. My friends, however, took one look at me, and pointed to my chest.
I looked down.
The toga had slipped down on my rib cage, revealing the bikini top.
Except there was no bikini top.
It had slipped down, as strapless tops are wont to do on small breasted women.
No toga. No bikini. Just a bare, naked breast hanging out there for all the world to see. All damn night. No wonder the boys had liked me. No wonder Brad hadn’t. Who wants an exhibitionist for a girlfriend? Ah… yeah… one of my better moments…
Epilogue:
No. I never dated Brad. Some moments simply can’t be overcome. [Ed.: He didn’t deserve you, Stephanie!]
What are your best (or worst) costume memories? A random comment will be picked to win a copy of my book Date Me, Baby, One More Time . 
Okay…worst costume memory…I’m a child of the 80’s and I don’t know how many of you remember those plastic costumes with the plastic mask that if you breathe your whole face begins to sweat….I had a tweety bird one and it SUCKED to high heaven. We even had a “costume parade” at school and I pretended I forgot it at home!
OK, I guess I’m showing my inner Gay Guy but would Brad not be considered a Humongous Jerk for not telling his supposed girl she was hanging out?
Would this not be grounds for telling off the ignoramus and requesting the jackass to straighten up or ship out?
Just my take.
LOL! Poor Stephanie. That so sounds like something I would have done. One year, it was required we dress up at the convenience store I worked at and I was less than thrilled with the idea. My solution? I went as a tampon! LOL Long piece of string hanging off my cottonballed head and an all white sweatsuit ensemble. I left of the ketchup but my boss got the idea and never required costumes again!
Sharmi,
I had a Casper the Ghost costume JUST like that! Oh how I remember the sweat and the smell! :o)
Hey,
I’m loving all this Halloween and scary stuff. I just blogged about my costume mishaps as a child at Killer Fiction.
Thanks for the chuckles, guys!
CC
I dressed as a cow a few years ago. It had the udders on it & people kept wanting to play with them. Last time I dressed up.
I really don’t remember to many of my costumes in the past (sad since I’m really not all that old) but this year I’m going to a Murder Mystery Party and I’m really loving my costume (and my character too, even though she’s not a very nice person!heeheehee). I’m starting out innocent enough (for an escort service owner) but then as details come out about my character, my costume will take on more a dominatrix outfit(ugh). My friend writes his own, so every year no one really knows what to expect in the way of costumes and the mystery.
My worst memory… dressing as myself with a coat – it was so cold!! so I could not put my costume 🙁
I think my favorite costume was Alice in Wonderland!
The funniest was watching the year my mother and her sisters decided to go to a party as tree siblings. They put large brown paper bags over their heads, just cutting out the nose and mouth for each other – wasn’t so easy trying to find the right spot and be extra careful cutting with it over the person’s head. then they taped more down and around their bodies, then sent us to the yard to gather twigs and branches which they then tried to glue on the bags. But every time they moved, the bags ripped a bit because the branches were too heavy and fell off, so we’d have to go look for smaller ones. After spending 2 or 3 hours, they finally gave up and went to the attic looking for past year costumes.
My favorite Halloween costume wasn’t mine but I really wanted it to. Back when Madonna was huge with her whole Like a Virgin album, me & my sister were obsessed with her. My sister, though, being older than me, was allowed to dress up as Madonna & I was sooooo jealous. She had a garbage bag wrapped around her waist as a skirt, our dog’s leash as her chains & the most amazing lace gloves along with my mom’s heeled booties. Looking back at it now, my sister looked absolutely ridiculous, but back then, I was so envious of her.
My best costume was Anne of Green Gables. Just loved it.
In 1976, I was in third grade and dressed up as Betsy Ross for Halloween. It was the bicentennial anniversary of our nation, and patriotic themed costumes were all the rage that year. I remember feeling very proud as I marched in the Halloween parade. …. I think I had a crush on Paul Revere. 😉
Don’t enter me for the contest, I already have this book 😉
My mother made (MADE) a Wonder Woman costume for me when I was in grade one. I won first prize. 15 years later my neice got to wear it and she also won first prize. I should see if I can find pictures of it. It was definitely well made!
CindyS