IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT THE SEX
Yeah yeah, I can hear you rolling your eyes from across the Atlantic. I write erotic romance so of course it IS all about the sex, right? Well, yes and no. Erotic romance of course allows a writer to tell a love story more fully, and we’ll go into that later. The story is told completely, including the sex that binds the two main characters together. Sex is very powerful, in life, in writing. In the movies, in our heads. It’s like nuclear fission. Handled well, contained, it’s a driving force of nature, able to accomplish a lot, empowering people, giving off light and heat. Handled badly, well… boom.
A number of readers have commented on the “vanilla sex” in my novels. I’m not entirely sure what is meant by that but I suppose it is that there is very little (read none) sexual experimentation in my books. No new boundaries are established, no one figures out a new position or tries out sex toys. My characters are always in a sex-toy-free zone.
There are a number of reasons for this and for my predilection for “vanilla” sex. Let me tell you, when you’re an erotic romance writer, it can be quite scary because you cannot write the love scenes in an exciting way unless they excite you. The writer is the first to get all hot and bothered at what she writes. So when you’re reading a love scene, you’re getting a disturbingly intimate peek into the writer’s head, into her fantasies and deepest secrets. A reader in Hong Kong probably has a better insight into the intimate secrets of the writer’s imagination than her best friend or even, at times, her significant other. Having said that, it will probably occur to you that I don’t employ sex toys or anything REMOTELY like bondage games or spanking or whatever in anything I write because they don’t turn me on. Au contraire.
That’s one aspect. The other aspect is that I write, almost always, about those first crazy, tumbling, breathless, mind-bending, world-altering moments when the characters are falling in love. They can hardly catch their breath, every aspect of their lives is changing. The sex is almost too intense to bear. The man, in particular, has problems controlling himself, problems he’s never had before when it was just sex, not this thing that is eating him up alive. The sex is so intense it burns them up, they shake with it. That is NOT a moment when you need sex toys to stimulate you. You’re so stimulated it’s a miracle you haven’t rocketed off to the moon. To my mind, the toys and the games and the fur handcuffs and the potions and lotions and positions are for when you’re just a little… bored and need some stimulus. My men don’t need stimuli with their women, believe me. If anything, they need to be hosed down.
And so we come to the IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT THE SEX part. Think of a love as a pyramid. At the top, diamond-bright and diamond-sharp, is sexual desire, intense attraction. That’s usually where I start my stories, at that sharp end. But during the novel, the middle section of the pyramid is formed, and that’s romantic love. Not necessarily a melding of minds, because usually the hero and heroine are two distinctly different people, but definitely a melding of hearts. They might think differently and act differently, but their emotions are coming into alignment and they are both moving the other to the top of their priorities. They’d both make sacrifices for each other and, ultimately, would die for each other. That kind of intensity is hard to keep up without a suspense plot endangering both of them in the background. But what I’m hoping is that the reader catches glimpses of the big, solid base of the pyramid, which will form the base of the rest of their lives, and that is an attachment to each other that incorporates yet transcends the sex, which is, as the philosophers would put it, necessary yet not sufficient, for a bond that will last the rest of their lives.
You can count on my characters spending the rest of their lives together, utterly committed to each other. The first to pass away will do so with his hand in hers or vice versa. Each will be able to utterly and completely count on the other for loyalty, for love and yes, for sex. So the intense sex at the beginning sets the ball rolling (as it were) but it will roll far, and for the rest of their lives.
I agree entirely! The beauty of it all lies int excitement you feel when you are literally peering into your partner’s soul, no need for sex toys: the greatest turn-on is the mind, when another person – even if it is someone you love and share everything with and have done so for years, it is still another person – allows you into their heart and soul and you see what is really there for those intense wonderful moments when you merge.
For me, a great romance whether it’s erotic or not is one where I can see the hero and heroine together years from now so clearly.
I totally agree.
I love a good love scene as much as the next gal, but the relationship between the characters is just as important. If I don’t care about the characters, then I won’t care about what they do – with or sex toys et al.
I think it takes a very talented writer to make a hot love scene with out sex toys, bondage, spanking, etc – just good old missionary position.
Just have to say that I found Dangerous Lover refreshing for the high sexual tension and wonderfully erotic writing without the toys, etc. It was just a great book all around. No need to enter me into the contest, I have a copy.
This was the first book by Lisa Marie Rice I have read, but it surely won’t be my last.
The thing that makes the sex scenes so good in your books is even though they happen fairly early, to me they are more love scenes than sex scenes. A lot of books I read that are fairly explicit I just skim through the scenes. But right from the start, your characters are so well written that I can buy it right away. And no need to enter me either. I also have copy of Dangerous Lover – one hell of a good book it is.
I agree it can’t be all about the sex cause that is straight erotic. I have to have the romance in there.
Um… thanks for sharing that. I’ve often wondered how writers react to their erotic scenes, but didn’t want to seem like a complete pervy dork by asking. I mean, you don’t go out and slaughter innocents when writing thrillers, right? RIGHT?
And your “IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT THE SEX” words should be read by every aspiring Erotic ROMANCE author, no matter the sub-genre. Even if they DO use toys and ceiling swings, you can’t leave the ROMANCE out. And that means more than page after page of boinking with a random “I love you” thrown in somewhere before the end.
How much do I love this comment? Hallelujah, that’s what I’m talking about, that intensity, the physical expression of the deepening connection. I’ve been kvetching about erotic romance all over my blog lately, because I’ve read one too many that seemed almost mechanical, i.e. insert anal scene here. Even in the better BDSM stories, the sex is expression of trust, acceptance and deep feelings. That’s what I want out of an Erotic Romance.
I loved Dangerous Lover BTW. It was my first book by you, and I loved it! Love super intense, obsessive heroes. I would’ve liked to see Caroline’s reaction to discovering how much and how long Jack had thought about her. But maybe not, b/c she might have been freaked out 🙂
Lisa Marie, I haven’t read your work yet, but I will after reading “It’s not just about the sex!”
Lately, I’ve really missed the *love* in romances. I like a hot story as much as the next reader, but if I don’t feel the warmth of true love coming through the pages, I’m seriously disappointed.
Great post!
Theresa — absolutely! Sex is real and sweaty and physical but it is also metaphysical. It is a symbolic joining of souls that manifests itself in the physical world. When it’s real. Loveless sex is like eating wax fruit when you’re hungry. it looks good butit doesn’t satisfy. However, sometimes having had the experience of loveless sex, whether great or not, serves to truly appreciate it when you find a soul mate. sort of that old having-to-kiss-a-lot-of-frogs-before-you-find-the-prince thing.
We’re all of us very lucky to be living in a time and place where no one stones you to death if you have more than one lover. Which has not been the case for women throughout history and is not the case for many women living nowadays. I’d say a culture that does not allow a woman to experiment, to make mistakes, is a culture that is almost ruling out even the possibility of finding a soul mate.
“The man, in particular, has problems controlling himself, problems he’s never had before when it was just sex, not this… thing that is eating him up alive.”
In my opinion, the male character who shows this the most is Senior Chief Douglas Kowalski in ‘Midnight Angel’. This alpha male has more things to overcome than John Huntington in ‘Midnight Man’ or Sam Cooper in ‘Woman on the Run’. Senior Chief Kowalski is truely my favorite out of all the men you’ve imagined. The depth in the relationships you’ve written has created some wonderful books that your fans cherish.
Thanks, Stephanie! I really really loved writing Kowalski. I particularly wanted to convey his strength. he never pities himself and he has been resigned since forever to being alone, he doesn’t even question it.
Allegra is an unexpected gift and he cherishes it beyond measure.
When Allegra regains her sight, she doesn’t in ANY WAY consider Kowalski ugly and can get very snippy if anyone even suggests it.