C2 and limecello have had their slumps, as have other duckies.  I wouldn’t say I’m in a slump – I’m reading less, certainly, but I’ve been enjoying what I’ve read as opposed to slogging through it in some desperate attempt to rediscover the joy.  (I’m knocking on wood now, to prevent the slump from seeking me out.  It can find you when you speak its name, like all bogeymen.)  There’s a very simple reason why I’m reading less: I’M IN COLLEGE.

As a recent conversation at my male, non-love interest’s 21^st birthday party went (I’m required to add non-love interest, as I am at the age where every mention of someone of the opposite sex will potentially link us together as mates):

“How are you?”

“I’m busy, but that goes without saying.”

“Yep.  I’m stressed, but we all are aren’t we?  How are you? We’re in college, it’s all implied.”

But in the end, I’ve been really grateful to be writing for TGTBTU and my own blog.  I’m the kind of person who needs some pressure to perform, and the blogs remind me to set aside some time to read.  I’d probably go nuts if I didn’t give myself that little bit of downtime.

On the other hand, I’ve been harsher in some of my most recent reviews.  Lashing out at people is a good stress reliever, as most of us know but wouldn’t care to admit.  In addition, my free time is more precious than ever.  I am not wasting it on something some par.   There’s a YA book, FALLEN, that fills me with rage every time I think about it.  I have never hated a book like that before.  (It is awful, there’s no denying that.  Even if I weren’t in desperate need of an all-expenses paid vacation to Hawaii I’d think it was a waste of paper.  It just would be a waste of paper I couldn’t care less about instead of one that incenses me.)

Really, I don’t have much of a problem with hating bad books.  But I am a little bothered by my behavior.  I’m sure it doesn’t seem dramatic to anyone else.

Like a number of people, I had my angsty, suicidal, I-hate-my-parents, no-one-likes-me period.  I did it a little earlier than most people, as it was at its worst when I was eleven and I was totally over it by the time I turned thirteen.  During that time I developed skills for processing my emotions and dealing with them that have worked for nearly a decade now.  I might’ve been a weird teenager, but I was a happy, well-adjusted one.  (I walked around smiling enough that a total stranger felt offended enough to confront me about my happiness.  That was an off-putting conversation.)

It feels weird to be expressing my anger impulsively, as I haven’t done that since elementary school.  (I’m not saying it’s wrong to express anger.  Just that I like to deliver my anger cold.)  I’m changing in a way that I’d like to stay the same, especially since the catalyst is change.

The work is only part of the stress of college.  A lot of the stress is figuring out what I’m doing this summer – what internships should I apply for? Where will I live? How will I pay to live there?  I’m graduating in December – what will I do then?  Graduate schools generally accept for the fall semester only – what will I do in that spare semester?  What if the graduate school I want doesn’t accept me and neither does my back-up?  The program I want isn’t offered a lot of places.  I just discovered that I’m ineligible for the scholarships that have been paying for my college due to my early graduation.  How am I going to pay for next semester?  One of the few things I’ve figured out is my living situation next year.  (Oh yes, and now my computer is acting weird.  Woo-hoo!  Is it just my power cord?  Something I need to have repaired? Is it worth it to repair an almost-three-year-old laptop?  Can I afford a new one?  Can I afford to repair an old one that might die naturally in a year?)

I love living in a society where I can change my mind about where I’m going, where I’m working, what I’m doing with my life.  I’m making important decisions, but I’m not likely to completely screw-up my life if I make the wrong one.  Maybe make it more difficult, but I’ll still have options.

I don’t know that I’m making a point here, much less a profound one.  I set out to write a pondering since I haven’t written one in forever.  I love reading what the others write since it reveals their personalities and voice.  I feel like I’m probably a blank slate to most of the regulars at the pond since I tend to only write reviews.  And I don’t want to be a blank slate.  I just keep starting ponderings and stopping, always second guessing myself and deciding that I really don’t have anything  new to add to the conversation.  (The one I’ve tried to write about most? Rape.  I often mention how its usual presentation bothers me in reviews, but I’ve never explained why.  I feel like other people have written about the topic much more eloquently than I even could, and the pondering begins to become a linkspam.)

I do this second guessing thing in class too.  I always wonder if I’m the person everybody else in the class hopes would just shut up already.  (There’s always one.)  The difference is that when writing I have more time to think about it.  In class I tend to open my mouth when I think of a point, because I know the conversation moves quickly and there may not be an opening for my point later.  (I tend to take seminar style classes, for those who are wondering.)

So I think my point is simply to talk about myself for a bit, and where I’m coming from when I write reviews.  No one would call me a party girl, but I think I am.  Books, movies, homemade food, rambling conversations with friends – that’s how I party and I’m not about to give my party up for anything.  Maybe actually posting this will give me the courage to open my mouth more often.