You were warned about Limecello’s ranting… She likes to let people have their say without reprisal, and feels it leads to great cathartic and “oh I know” moments! She might be naive, or it might be the forum, but the times she’s tried it, this has worked well. She’ll start it off. What bothers Limecello?
Hair. No, really. “Raven haired heroines” my ass. Unless the heroine is black, or asian, she does not have naturally black hair. She might have super dark hair – like Catherine Zeta Jones, or Selma Hayek, but it’s not black. Black hair, would be like Lucy Liu, or Michelle Williams. To add insult to injury, the “black as coal haired heroines” – and be honest- these span all genres- have all sorts of exotic eye colors. Like purple, turquoise, etc. Show me a real woman with naturally black hair with blue eyes, and I’ll show you someone wearing color contacts.
Also, hair that “goes down a heroine’s back.” Especially pony tails. She’s steeped in realism, so Limecello would appreciate the same from authors. If a heroine has hair long enough for a pony tail to reach her hips… her hair let down is to her knees. That’s not very sexy. And ridiculously heavy. Another pet peeve, going along with hair, is the makeover. The nerd-to-beauty queen makeover, where the heroine dyes her hair blonde, and BAM. She’s HAWT. Oftentimes, aside from the obvious, this does not work. Certain people, are not meant to be blonde.
Then again, there’s the shoes.
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I’ve worn heels every day since eighth grade. Ok, I fess up, the chunky heel. Still, there’s height. And I took a break in college. 5+ miles a day in any sort of heels = sad and ugly feet.But in many books, heroines who have never worn a pair of pumps in her life slips on stilettos, and magic. Please. I’ve never worn stilettos. I’d die. Our heroine would not be stomping around gloriously, collecting male hearts falling at her feet. She would be hobbling around, if she could still move, with her feet cut up, blisters all over, and possibly bleeding. |  |
Do you ignore it when something completely unrealistic happens in a book? Or do you just let it go?
For example, sex on cars. [I don’t even want to talk about sex while driving.] Super hot, total fantasy, right? Definitely according to certain books. But what if the sex scene happens after a drive with the hero and heroine hopping out of the car and going to town on the hood. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken a long drive- but ever accidentally touch the hood of the car afterwards? Ouch. Yes, there’s a reason why there’s “driving cuisine” – the engine gets so hot you can cook food on it. Having sex on that car immediately after a drive? No, not a way to get you there – it’s a way to get you to the emergency room.
Now, don’t even get me started on food mentioned in books. I just have to say… in this day in age, especially when it’s so popular and trendy… sushi is not raw fish.
| Sashimi, is raw fish. |  |
Sushi, often contains sashimi, but it’s not requisite.See? No sashimi in this sushi. |  |
A character who goes “Sushi? Ew, raw fish? No way!” Or even “I’ve never had sushi… but I guess I’m willing to try raw fish.” Annoy me. A lot. If you’re going to have sophisticated characters do wild and exotic things, make sure they aren’t going to commit a faux pas. Totally ruins the worldly sophisticate image.
I won’t go on. So, what relatively minor and inconsequential thing (or major issue) have you noticed in books or about books that gets your goat? 
Weight to height ratios bother me. I’m always sitting there, “You are a woman, no? You’ve used a scale, right?” If I read one more ‘overweight’ character who is 5’6” and 130 lbs . . . those are my measurements. I’m a six 6. I’m routinely called thin, skinny. Now, someone could have some less muscle and more fat than me, but still. No one with those measurements is chubby. Any 5’6” woman at 100 lbs is scary thin, possibly anorexic, and not hawt.
I totally agree with the blonde thing. Not only does it not look great with all skin/eye colors, it’s the hardest shade to dye well. Browns and reds would be much more realistic.
The heels don’t bother me. I wear sneakers most every day, but I wear heels for fancy occasions. My concert shoes were stilettos. So without much trouble I can wear them for about 10 hours and walk a mile or so hauling percussion equipment (usually a vibraphone). I would also help put the equipment on the truck (on which the ramp was broken). It’s all about weight distribution.
I also don’t like it when a book is set somewhere the author has clearly never been. Sometimes they research well enough you can’t tell, but usually they just rely on sterotypes. That instantly pisses me off.
LOL Liviania – you must have good shoes. I think good shoes are key, because I know to walk in heels. I’ve also spent way too much time hobbling around with blisters and cut up feet (even from kitten heels). But regardless of how good (or bad) a shoe is, if a heroine has “never worn heels in her life” – she is not going to be good with the stilettos. She is going to be good with a cast and crutches.
I think BMI is most important – oh, weight issues. It runs the gamut, from 5’2″ heroines wearing size 14 “not being fat” to heroines 5′ 10″ and 110 lbs [scary!]. Maybe some authors should check BMI charts. 😛 Just saying.
Love the rant! 😀
Seriously, though, you bring up some very valid points. I’m generally forgiving about physical descriptions because I end up visualizing the characters my way anyway. I actually like unusual hair and eye color stuff when reading paranormal, urban fantasy or fantasy because anything can fly in those worlds.
I do recall having a huge ARGH! NOOooo!! moment reading a particular book that opened with the heroine on a New Jersey boardwalk at twilight watching the sun set over the ocean?! Wrong coast for an ocean sunset, baby. Oh man. This doesn’t even involve research- just common sense. And the author lives in New Jersey, too! *sigh*
I almost brought up the height weight ratio thing, too, but thought it might just be my skewed perception over what’s ‘normal.’ One heroine (who happens to be one of my favorites) measures at 5′ 9′ and 120 lbs. and I was under the impression that she was perhaps lean, but basically average. Uh… in my mind I pretend that she’s really 5′ 7″ and 135 lbs. 😉
Christine, good point – I can forgive a lot more random [unreal] combinations in paranormals. But even then, certain things still have to be realistic. Authors have artistic license, but – they shouldn’t abuse it.
5’9″ and 120 is possible – I have a friend who is 5’10” 5’11”? And she sometimes gets to around 135 lbs. But she also works out about 4-6 hours a day, 7 days a week and oftentimes has an eating disorder so… you know. Give and take. [But I also have friends who are skeletal, and eat anything and everything. They’ll just have other health issues. Oh realism.]
Yeah… I knew 5’9″ and 120 lbs. isn’t THAT unrealistic. Maybe I’m just jealous. It just sounds very skinny. And the heroine is a cop. Okay, I admit it: I’m definitely jealous! LOL
My mom’s probably 5′ 4″, and she weighed 97 lbs @ 27. I don’t like to think about it 😛 [Although, I don’t think I should be 97. But yeah – 107 I’d be good with. Or 10 lbs less than I am now. lol]
The height weight thing bothers me too. Evanovich gets it all wrong with Lula. She needs to be a good 30 lbs heavier to be described the way she is. A 5’5″ woman that weighs 200 lbs is not going to knock the breath out of a grown 6′ tall man if she sits on him! LOL
Okay, I’m obviously the idiot who would say ‘sushi? hell no!’. I’ve never heard of sashimi. Might be a Canadian thing 😉
Cindys
I totally know what you mean about the sushi-sashimi thing. I don’t eat raw fish, but I do like sushi. There are many sushi rolls that don’t contain raw seafood. When in doubt, one could always go for the tempura or chicken teriyaki. Now I’m getting hungry.
The erection that is going to burst thru his pants bugs me. I’m not sure I want a penis to burst thru anything to get at my hooha. Scary mental image.
Historicals where everyone is rich and nobility. But I guess the opposite woudn’t be very good escapist entertainment.
With very few exceptions, nobody ever wears eyeglasses. They all have perfect vision, perfect teeth, perfect skin. *grumble*
I’ve always been bothered by the mental image in height differences. You can’t have a heroine that barely reaches the hero’s chest and them have the mindblowing sex they have. Oh, and kiss during the act too. There’s too much uncomfortable bending that needs to happen.
I am super sensitive to the weight thing. I know too many people who’ve suffered from disorders. In general I think it’s ridiculous to include a number. People carry weight differently depending on their frame.
I can’t stand it when heroines run out into a dangerous or unfamiliar situation just to prove that she won’t let any overbearing man tell her what to do. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. He may be a jerk, but in this case listen! Gunshots=bad!
Well, I have been up for hours already and my brains not working so I can’t think of my own, but amen to everything you mentioned. I can’t always ignore these things. They bug me and stick with me through the whole book.
LOL Gwen – yeah, that is a bad mental image. No thank you for sharing that one. I have seen historicals where one of the characters is poor – but of course, a rich one always comes and saves him/her. Or, there have been a few self made characters. But as for the majority… yes.
I’m waiting for a half blind (not literally hero/heroine. So many of us are :P.
Lawson – very good point. Awwwkkwwwaaarrrd!
Devon – I KNOW! I hate that one – the retiring miss who decides to take charge of her life and messes everything up to prove a point. Sometimes I hope she does get shot :X
Limecello-If you’re getting cuts and blisters in kitten heels, you might want to check the fit of your shoes. That means you’re getting a lot of rubbing and something is either too tight or too loose.
Lawson-The heighth thing bothers me too, particularly because most of my friends who are extreme heights almost automatically dismiss people who aren’t close to their heighth.
Liviania – you’re right 🙁 I don’t know what size anything I wear. For the longest time I thought I wore a 8 1/2 in shoes (I even went up to 9…) but now I realize I probably should be wearing a size 7. (Maybe smaller? Because I can stuff a pair of socks into the front of my shoes and still wear them comfortably :X) But I hate shoes! My feet feel so strangled! LOL.
Wear open toed heels. ^_^ And size varies brand to brand – never buy a pair of shoes without trying them on and walking around for at least a minute on at least two types of surfaces, if possible.
Yeah, your shoes are probably too big if you can do that.
For sneakers, you get a bit more room if you tie them skater style. For fit, tie them properly and stand. Feel your big toe. Since you’re done growing, there should be just a smidgen of room between your big toe and the shoe itself.
~You can’t have a heroine that barely reaches the hero’s chest and them have the mindblowing sex they have. Oh, and kiss during the act too. There’s too much uncomfortable bending that needs to happen.~
Welllll, I’m 5’4″ and my guy’s 6’7″. We manage pretty well.
~Show me a real woman with naturally black hair with blue eyes, and I’ll show you someone wearing color contacts.~
Must disagree as I know a few. ‘Black Irish’ have black hair and blue eyes. It’s the Celt factor. My mother, before she started to gray and hit Miss Clairol was Black Irish. True black hair, blue eyes. She passed it onto two of my brothers.
Well, once I read this Harlequin book with a Finnish character called Jarl Hendricks -we have our share un-Finnish names, but really!- and among other things he kept calling the heroine “nainen” and the writer claimed it meant “my woman”. If you intend to use foreign words or phrases you should at least do it right! This really is one of my pet peeves. Not to mention if some guy -Finnish or not- kept calling me a “nainen” I would remind him, very firmly, that I actually have name.
Hi Nora- thanks for chiming in on that one – I will say I do know a number of couples with major height differences, although yours takes the cake!
For the hair… I had pictures up but they cluttered this post too much. I know there’s “black Irish,” but the shades still have subtle differences to me. It’s dark, and just black (especially in certain lighting) – but I guess I think of black hair as being black black (like so black it’s almost blue) if that makes sense. I admit to being really nitpicky on this one. [I studied a lot of pictures noting differences.]
Minna- I KNOW WHAT BOOK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!!! Sorry – got very excited. What does “nainen” mean then? I meant to look it up (got lazy :X). And you are a woman after my own heart! 😀 I once posted a similar rant [different forum] about “getting things right.”
I agree with Minna on the language thing. I’m French and the little French used by 99% of American authors is flat-out atrocious. If you can’t use it properly and/or have someone who actually knows the language check it out for you before the book is released, DON’T. USE. IT. Period. I don’t understand when I see novels from big names like Laurell K. Hamilton and Lisa Kleypas with French lines that contains mistakes I wouldn’t have done in 4th grade. The publishers and editors are as much, if not more, to blame as the authors. And for the record, I don’t know any French speaker who would speak English but insert French pet names here and there in the conversation.
OK, that was my rant. Thank you for listening :-D.
I am much more of a character reader than I am plot. I can love a good plot but sell me on your characters and I can overlook a lot…
oddly I can say I rarely pay attention to hair color or eye color… violet eyes use to make me stop and wonder. And when I first started reading romance it would annoy the shit out of me when the hero or heroine were blonde but the cover was different.
I got over it. Of course that could be because I don’t remember it later.
Sex while driving… possible well I guess depending on how you want to define sex. I always thought the whole sex on horseback, I guess possible cuz some have sweared to have done it and lived to tell the tell, just doen’t seem like a ‘good’ idea.
But really that doesn’t matter – sell me on the characters and tell me a good story and I can over look things. It is fiction for a reason and I can’t expect or even want it to reflect me. Just because I can or can’t do something or know something I can’t expect everyone in the world to have the same feelings or knowledge so why would I expect it from a book?
If I am stopping to google things – the author is boring me and that is a whole other issue.
Of course I didn’t know that sophisticate = knowing all about food. So what the hell do I know…
Mary M,
Rosario has a great rant on pet names being used randomly or just one or phrase tossed out in spanish or whatever. Again to be annoying *g* it doesn’t bother me that much but it was a good rant ;).
I think it was on Romancing the Blog two or so years ago.
“Nainen” means just simply a woman.
“And for the record, I don’t know any French speaker who would speak English but insert French pet names here and there in the conversation.”
Well, same goes for Finns. Jarl (urgh! Couldn’t she pick an actual FINNISH name?) also kept calling the heroine “kisu”, kitty. Who does that, really? I have never, ever heard some Finnish guy calling his girl friend or wife like that. And way that guy behaved in that book? Ok, it’s fiction, but still. A lot of it seemed so un-natural for a Finn. See, I don’t even have that book anymore, and just thinking about it still makes me mad. Well, the translation I read was about 20 pages shorter than the original text, so I don’t know if there might have been even more annoying things.
Gonna have to agree with Nora here. I’m a tad below 5 foot 2 inches and my guy is 6 foot four. No problems here.
And also, my family? While I have very dark brown almost black hair (when it’s not colored heh), the guys on my dad’s side? Black hair, blue eyes. Both my brother and my father are black haired, blue eyed.
My biggest rant? When it’s assumed that all men or women will act or behave according to a certain world view. Nothing sets my teeth on edge more than hearing someone say “A guy would never say that” or “A guy would never think that.” Not that I wouldn’t like to be tuned into the minds of men everywhere, but since that isn’t possible… 😉
LOL Sybil – well it’s not as if we’re about to petition Congress about these issues. It’s just that sometimes, things like that are enough to annoy me, and draw me completely out of the book. Resulting in me stopping, and going to cook a meal, wash my car, or do laundry. That’s… probably not what the author wants.
And I didn’t flesh out every single aspect because that would have turned this into a treatise. For the driving thing… bad accidents are terrible things. If someone is really into the sex, I can’t imagine they’re paying that much attention to the road.
Minna- I’m a bit amused the author had her hero calling the heroine “woman” as a pet name. I can see randomly using a different language for a pet name – it might be hokey, but then I know a lot of people [whether they can speak all the languages or not] using random “foreign” words. For me, it depends on the person/situation how I feel about it.
Maya- hello 🙂 As for the hair thing… again, I think we’re talking shades. I guess I’m just more sensitive than most to this. (Is there possible to have “black” and “dark black”? 😛 I think I need to create a new category.)
LOL for your rant – I have read certain male characters that had me scratching my head – and wondering where such males were 😉 – but, you’re right – I’m often surprised by what my guy friends think (or don’t think) – and try never to rule anything out.
limecello, if I remember correctly, “woman” wasn’t excactly used as a pet name (see the writers own translation for the word).
Minna, I’ll have to look at the book again – I can’t remember if the word was ever translated within the text. I thought the story itself was interesting though.
As far as I can remember it was translated as “my woman”. And I think the writer also said something that “the word is difficult to translate, but…” There are indeed Finnish words that are difficult to translate, but “nainen” is not one of them. When I read the book I sort of got the picture that the writer knew something about Finland, but hadn’t bothered to do any more thorough research or at least asked from some Finn if the words or other Finnish things are correct. And I would love to know where she picked that name, Jarl Hendricks. It would seem like an odd name even for a Finlands Swede.
Pet names don’t bother me depending on the character. I know some people who use pet names and others who don’t. Now I’m not sure if they’d switch languages to say them since I speak their primary language. (I often call people ‘chica’ but I don’t think that counts as a pet name.)
Oh yeah, and the sex while driving thing? Try American Gods by Neil Gaiman. It causes a crash there.
Liviania, I agree with the pet names and the languages- it all depends. Chica depends on who it’s coming from. [A lot of creepers use it, which now, due to bad experiences really steams me.]
As for the sex + driving thing… thank you – that is dangerous and bad!
I must need to eat breakfast because after I saw the sushi & sashimi pics, the only thing I could was…
Man, that looks good.
Sushi at 9:40 AM-shudder.
Must go get some breakfast.
LOL Shiloh! :X I will admit to having had sushi for breakfast before… well, who am I kidding. I’m often on the time schedule of a college freshman – so as long as it’s the first meal (even @ 3 pm), it’s still “breakfast” right? 😉