Duodecimal: 12 Things You Shouldn’t Call Your Naughty Parts
Thursday, December 20, 2007 14:00
Bloggers Casee and Holly over at Book Binge were bored and started thinking of the worst names for naughty parts they’d read in romance novels…
12 Worst Names in Romancelandia for the Naughty Bits
1. Poker (stiff as) – Pokers may be ‘stiff,’ but they are very small around.
2. Love-well – Oil- or water-well? Wells are deep and very large, no? I imagine a poker would get lost in it.
3. Nest – Nests are for birds. I imagine there are lots of unsavory things in nests.
4. Creamy center – That’s the tag line for Cadbury Eggs, isn’t it? MMMMM, Cadbury Eggs.
5. Frothy channel – I like my coffee frothy. I like my channels numeric. This also brings to mind ocean features like “English” and others – big, wide bodies of water.
6. Button of pleasure – If it looks like a button, I would recommend getting it checked out by a gyno or dermatologist.
7. Man-missile – I’ve seen missiles and they’re huge. I have no desire to be broken in half, thanks. Or they launch and are gone so fast they break sound barriers - don’t want that either.
8. Love pole – What kind of pole are we talking here? Light pole? Way too big. Flag pole? Way too small.
9. Engorged rod – there’s just something about the word ‘engorged’ that disturbs me. And, again, ‘rod’ = small, right?
10. Hard enough to hammer nails – Can you imagine the cringing that occurs when a man reads that?
11. Love juice – I’m thinking I wouldn’t want to be drinking that. Think it comes in concentrate form?
12. Plump as a ripe plum – That’s just wrong and squishy.
I also want to give honorable mentions to:
13. Hooded, fleshy lintel – Isn’t a lintel one of those little peas you find in soup? Or an architectural thing.
14. (His cock was) the length of pig iron – Is that a part of a pig’s anatomy? Cuz..YUCK! Besides, I thought ’pig iron’ was a type of metal, not a measurement.
As we were limited to 12, obviously we can’t go on. But I’m sure y’all have a few to add to the list.
What are the worst names you’ve heard?
Bev(QB) says:
December 20th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Frothy Channel sounds like a job for Monostat. And ANY slurping/sipping/swallowing/drinking of love juices just makes me gag. EEWWW, EWWWW, EEEEWWWWW!
You’ve got a few I’ve never heard of though… pig iron? lintel? man missile? love-well?
Sybil says:
December 20th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
OMG I don’t know what is worse that list, gwens pics or that I am sitting trying to but titles to them
Holly says:
December 20th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
LMAO! Gwen, those pics are fab-o! LOL
jc says:
December 20th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
I’ve read this in a book once, it says “the one eyed snake going in to the love cave” blehhhh
katiebabs says:
December 20th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Here are a few of mine:
love pudding
ram-rod
nubbin
pip
Fleshy Lintel is a new one.. ewwww peas… bleck
Wendy says:
December 20th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
A variation on #11 – “girl juice.” Yes, I read that once in a book by a very popular Brava author and all I could think was, “I’m not sure what girl juice is but I bet it would go away with a little soap and water….”
My other personal favorite, “nubbin” – almost as annoying as “button.”
Casee says:
December 20th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
Those pics are pretty fabulous. They really drive home the wrongness. LOL
Alicia Thomas says:
December 20th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Girl juice?… Like toss in the girl then strain the pulp?
Gwen says:
December 20th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
“Girl juice” was used by McKenna in EDGE OF MIDNIGHT and, oddly enough, it was appropriate because it was being used by the hero, Sean, and that was just like something you could hear him say. Any other time, I would have died laughing, after a suitable period of rolling my eyes and saying, “Come on!” a la Marvin Tikvah (not sure what I’m talking about, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHW1U0bUqhE
Wendy says:
December 20th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
McKenna needs to get a new euphemism. She used girl juice in Hot Night, and I *think* Return to Me. Is it really necessary to recycle something that laughably bad?
Holly says:
December 20th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
JC,
That sounds like something my fiance would say whilst making fun of my romances. I didn’t think it was something that was actually used, though.
Girl juice? Uhm, not so much. Ick!
Devon says:
December 20th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Bwahaha! There’s nothing I hate more than creaming, frothing and gushing. Time to change to the panties lady!
Once I saw a “grotto of love”. Or something. Grotto was definitely in there.
Man-root.
What would you do if you saw one of the following in a book: schlong, ding-dong, cooter or hoo-hoo?
Gwen says:
December 20th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
“Quim” and “cunny” are a couple personal favorites. They always make me giggle, taking me COMPLETELY out of the moment and ruining what is, I’m sure, a very intense scene in the book.
Holly says:
December 20th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
Spunk is another personal favorite of mine. I actually use that term quite often in reference to my daughter. Or I used to. She’s spunky kind of girl, as in, spirited. But now? The word is tainted.
Has says:
December 20th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
They are so funny and I love the pics
I think I read this once ” His tumescent turgid manhood that pulsed with desire” That just reminds me of something out of Alien !
Sherry Thomas says:
December 20th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
Did I read that right? Too small? Are we talking about the kind of flagpoles standing outside elementary schools and such? Cuz they are a lot scarier to me than pokers and pig irons (whatever pig irons look like).
Sherry Thomas says:
December 20th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
And forgot to say, I laughed at the expression of the man with the hammer.
Misty G says:
December 20th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
If someone has a frothy anything, it’s time for a trip to the Dr.
Sybil says:
December 20th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
I am thinking most of these can be found in a Beatrice Small novel or five. And Thea Devine she go back to historical yet?
sula says:
December 20th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
ha! Sybil, I was also thinking that I’ve come across most of these in Beatrice Small books through the years. Oh wait…did I just admit to reading her books? ahem.
Manroot. Makes it sound like some sort of exotic plant. The word “lance” also makes me giggle. A jousting match is it?
I can’t quite recall which book it was, but not long ago I was reading a very serious, very passionate historical and then all of the sudden the word cunny leapt off the page at me. Totally spoiled the moment and really pulled me out of the book entirely. Very much a wtf moment. I can see that in an erotica maybe but not in the kind of historical romance that this was intended to be.
romblogreader says:
December 20th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
….
Frothy? If you’re generating froth, you need to get to a gynocologist.
Bev(QB) says:
December 20th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
*aiming her raised eyebrow of doom at Sybil and Sula*
Shall we discuss authors whom we consider dirty little secrets we love? Hmmm, Syb?
Bertrice Small is a goddess (so sez I… PPHHFFFTT) and can call the naughty bits whatever she damn well pleases and I will still love it! ;-p
Love rod, love lance, and let’s not forget the infamous Portal of Sodom that only the villians prefer. But I’m pretty sure she’s not the only one who has used quim or cunny. I’ve seen them enough that I assume those were common historical nicknames for the nether regions in the same way pussy and cunt are now.
CIndyS says:
December 20th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
I heart Holly and Casee
I thought quim and cunny were used in historical erotica – I’m pretty sure Emma Holly or Lisa Valdez used them and truly, it didn’t throw me out of the moment. Use it in a contemporary and I’d be laughing.
And I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one cringing when ‘love juices’ hits the page. Kinda pertaining to that, I know there are people who find food sensual whereas I’m usually thinking ‘that’s gotta be sticky!’. I know I read a story with a peach and throughout the scene I kept waiting for one of them to say ‘okay, enough, we need a bath’.
CindyS
Gwen says:
December 20th, 2007 at 11:08 pm
CindyS – “… when ‘love juices’ hits the page.” Remind me not to buy any of your used books.
Teddypig says:
December 21st, 2007 at 12:10 am
Did you call?
Jennifer Estep says:
December 21st, 2007 at 7:48 am
My significant other (who will read some of the grittier urban fantasy romances) always rolls his eyes at this one — molten core. J.R. Ward uses that one sometimes.
“What is she? A volcano?” he always grouses.
Casee says:
December 21st, 2007 at 8:22 am
I’ve also read something like “his cock was hard enough to use as a gearshift.”.
Huh?
katiebabs says:
December 21st, 2007 at 8:36 am
I also have heard pulsing warrior of love and milky center.
I am also getting sick of- her flower and the dew that shines off its folds. Ick ick…
Gearshift?!!?
Amie Stuart says:
December 21st, 2007 at 9:57 am
Hard enough to hammer nails
OMG Brings to mind the Durex condom commercial I saw on YouTube….where the guy slams his other-brand-condom-covered dick in a door and doesn’t feel anything, then puts on HIS condom with expected results. (I think it was on Emma Pettersen’s blog!)
And BTW Creaming female naughty bits are just GROSS
I have to go write some sex now
Sybil says:
December 21st, 2007 at 11:42 am
Bev sometimes you are too easy
Laura K says:
December 21st, 2007 at 8:25 pm
love hammer
Chantal says:
December 22nd, 2007 at 9:19 am
LOL! Great post.